Building Walls
Hi, I’m Michelle and I’m a really good emotional wall-builder.
I have recently starting reading ‘Find Your People’ by Jennie Allen and I feel as though she’s speaking about much of my life. She talks in the book about being needy and quitting people. My version of quitting is building a wall. Not only do I want to say, nope, you’re out, I’m going to see to it that you can’t come back in.
Maybe It’s My Past
I’ve got a bunch of baggage from my past – heartache, betrayal and abandonment to name a few of those luggage tags. Because of my history, whenever there’s a rift, there’s no option to fight or stand up for myself or the situation, it becomes a form of flight, I build a wall to keep you out. I don’t want you back in…either to hurt me again or to leave me once and for all. I’m going to beat you to it; my protection from additional pain is to just simply shut you out. Peace. See you later.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Remember the days of dating when you didn’t want ‘go out’ with anyone anymore, the excuse was something like, “it’s not you, it’s me?” We don’t do vulnerability or truth very well. Say it like it is and you burn a bridge or somebody starts a rumor about how needy you are and you’re ruined forever. Lie and say something like, “you were a great person/friend/partner but I’ve got issues”, and it’s simple and everyone somehow agrees and moves on. And you go on living believing a lie that you’re the only one with crap to contend with.
Breaking Down Walls
There’s no secret formula to busting up the walls I or anyone like me builds…it’s simply love. Love me enough to break down the darn wall. Fight for me. When you give up and just let it be, I believe that I’m not worth fighting for. Other people in my life never fought for me…they just disposed of me and so I think you’ll do the same. Instead, fight to the death.
It’s Exhausting, I Know.
To fight for the same person over and over is truly exhausting. But from someone who’s ready in an instant to break out the bricks and mortar, the wall gets shorter and thinner each time you fight the battle. You see, every time you show me you are not going to back down to my wall, I trust you more. I see that you’re the real deal. You prove to me that I am worth your time and energy. I matter.
Isn’t That What We All Want
To know that you matter, isn’t that what we all want? Am I worthy of love. Am I worthy of your pursuit of my heart.
The last few weeks have been a major struggle for me emotionally. I’m a quitter as previously mentioned. A master wall-builder. There are few people in my life who will take the time and energy to pound at the bricks until they start falling. Those are my people. The ones who won’t take the facade as being real.
Find your people. Read the book and of course, the Good Book. And be willing to let your people meet you where you are.